Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
