I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
