I don't remember. Are we still dating?
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
