This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
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okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
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How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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