i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
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