I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Randomize
