I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
