she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
