I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
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I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
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You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
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