Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
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You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
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