i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
