she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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