she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
