Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
