I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
they need to just BURY HIM!
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
