I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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