Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Randomize
