Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
