apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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