Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
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