Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
