Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Randomize
