Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
