chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Randomize
