you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
