Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
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