I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
