I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
