she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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