Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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