Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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