she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
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