I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize
