you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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