OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Randomize
