girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
