paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
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