I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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