Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Randomize
