ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
