What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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