Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
