Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
