I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
