I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
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I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
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I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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