I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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