does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Soap is not a condiment
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I got inside last night via doggy door
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
