Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
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