My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
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I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
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Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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