it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
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