the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
