Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Randomize
