her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
