New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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