Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
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