She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
